esti mortanto

This morning I again started yelling out what I thought was gibberish. I relate it to a Tourette’s kind of outburst. I have what is an uncontrolled physical tic, followed by a vocal outburst of vocal articulation. but instead of noises or just curse words it’s articulated words. None I understand. I started running an audio recorder to capture it.

So far we’ve figured out a few of them. Afrikaans, French/creole, Italian, Portuguese, Navajo/Diné, Dakota, Russian, Icelandic, Gaelic, and this morning was the first time I ever heard Esperanto as I was yelling it in the car. Repeatedly I kept yelling the phrase esti mortanto. I have a neurodivergent mind. I’ve been diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder and have been a psychic medium all my life. Able to see and hear things others can’t all my life has caused me to be looked at as odd. My parents just said I was over dramatic with an active imagination, yet tell stories of me predicting unannounced visitors etc.

I honestly did not think Esperanto was a real thing. I heard on a movie the name Esperanto but thought it was some made up term. However, this does not explain the outburst of a language I didn’t even know existed escaping my lips. Then I realize that it’s what is the equalizer of all things.

Death comes for everything. One moments existence between eternities of non existence. Today I was reminded of that as my step father who passed away a few years back came to visit me. He took over the room. The random shuffle on my echo speaker became Murray’s playlist. The smells in the air became breakfast with him and my mother. I heard his horribly annoying laugh and it brought joy to my heart. I saw his face smiling at me with tears of joy rolling down his cheeks. He raised a bottle of Canadian and I heard the words “Put aside anger, sadness, fears. Life is short so drink your beers!” It was followed again by his laugh.

From birth we are dying. So in the time we have, we should truly live. We all die someday so why wait to truly live?

S.O.

Falling down the mountain

Tonight I’m struggling. Too many people. Too many crosses through timelines. I can’t hold a thought. Pains through my body as I bounce between them. The barrier that separated the lives is fading. Bleed through of each life playing in my mind like a bad episode recap. The anxiety starts to riddle my body with tremors and pain. My heart races as I continue to slip out of control.

I recently had the realization that many of my past lives is just genetic memory. Those who walked before me took those moments and it really hit them as something important. Something they should remember. This makes me now worry that as I have no children of my own, will I not be able to return? Is this my last time coming back? Will the genetics of my only nephew carry enough genetic code to give me a chance? What if he has no children?

This is the shit that goes on in my brain constantly. As often as I try to ignore it, I get pulled back to this cycle of thought. I think that if that’s the case, maybe the next adventure is a tree. Since I realize I want to heal the earth, maybe I need to become a forest. Do I star planting those seeds now? Have this body be buried in the middle of that forest when it’s taken it’s last breath. My rotting body feeds the ground that feeds the trees. The earth one day will be able to breathe again. Those who live on after that will take steps to change.

S.O.

Dirty money blues

Dream: Forced to return to my childhood home, I’m already feeling disappointed in my situation. Trying to settle in to get a nights rest, I feel deeply unsettled. Suddenly my mother bursts into my room accusing me of stealing. She’s yelling and throwing my stuff around. She takes my wallet that was sitting on top of my duffle bag. She pulls all my cash out of it and throws it on the floor. She stands over it and urinates on the pile of money. Disgusted and angry, I grab my bag and take my wallet from her hands. I yell at her that I never stole anything and I’m done with the abuse every time I come home. I tell her I will never come back and that she is no longer a part of my life. I walk out the door. Vowing to be completely cut from any ties to my family.

Waking: Looking at this dream this morning, I was confused by it. What was it I was it I was to take away from this? The false accusations of wrong doing by family? The disrespect and soiling of all my hard efforts and it’s pay? The walking away and disowning of my family? I’m not sure, but I seem to be feeling like I’m being forced into making a decision I don’t want to make. Forced to accept losing all my past. Maybe I need to let go and move on, but from what? Clearly it’s something from my past and my family.

Thoughts: Letting go of the past trauma that has shaped me to my current state is hard to do. It runs deep into your deepest corners of your mind. The journey to reach the trauma that deep, isn’t something that happens overnight. It takes acceptance, perspective, and time. It may never go away, leaving a scar on your soul. This now gives you a choice. You can either let it define you and hold you back, or wear it as a badge of honour. Remind yourself that you survived the trauma and are not letting it hold you prisoner any longer. You do that by letting go of the hate and fear it caused and filling that space with love and determination. Like a scar being covered by a beautiful tattoo. It’s still there, but now when you look at it all you see is something you love and brings strength to your heart.

S.O.

Another death memory.

A flash of me with two other men in a cabin it the woods, settling in for the night after a day of hunting. Nothing today, but tomorrow’s a different day. A bottle of whiskey gone already. I start singing from my spirit as the alcohol has set fire to my mind. Suddenly I’m looking up from the floor with my the other men are panicking. My chest feels like it’s been hit by a train. As things go dark.

manifest

So often I hear people talk about things like Murphy’s law or everything turns to shit. I learned a while ago it’s attraction and manifestation. If all your looking for is bad, you will find it. If you think everything turns to shit, it will. First I started negotiating the phrase be prepared for the worst but hope for the best. I found it stated changing how I look at things. Manifestations are just you putting out your intentions and drawing it to you through attraction. Sure 2020 sucked for the most part, but you had everyone being miserable about how shitty it was. I decided that this year I’m reigning in my focus. I’m only going to focus on my family here. Put my energy into what we are doing. I’m sure some will think I’m no longer caring or whatever about their stuff, but truly I don’t. I have my life and family to focus on. I’m going to get things fixed around here. I’m going to help my wife focus on her new business and health. My kids will get focused on their adult lives. No longer will I talk politics or war, poverty, racism. These are things out of my control. I’m aware how broken things are, but I’m fixing my shit. You need to fix yours.

This isn’t anger or frustration, but a reminder to focus on you and what’s important to you. Put your energy where you want it to go. The goddess of the hearth came to me last night and reminded me that to focus on our home. If I plant my intentions in my home, it will grow and bare fruit. So let’s start 2021 by fixing ourselves before we waste time fixing those who don’t want to change.

Much love and prosperity to you and your family in this new year

S.O.

Holiday humbugs

It’s clear that the holidays this year are not feeling so festive. People are feeling like the love and joy isn’t there. Bummed out folks missing their parties and family gatherings. While out today to grab a few last minute items and drop off cookie trays, I was overwhelmed the dark cloud surrounding so many. I don’t understand why it’s so miserable. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.

We have loved ones still. We can be thankful for those who are safe and sound. I’ve been doing soooooooo much better just by staying off social media. I don’t need facetagram to tell me there are a bunch of ignoramuses in the world. I like in rural Arizona. I’m surrounded by the racist, ignorant, ones still waiving their trump 2020 flags like he is going to magically stay president even though he lost.

I digress. Instead of giving that energy attention, I’m instead excited to have our 2 youngest home for holiday dinner. Spending time together. How awesome is it that we can have large video calls!? I can see my family in Canada 3000 miles away and tell them I love them. I can do the same for other loved ones in countries even further away. I’m blessed to have a day to tell my friends and family how much I love and appreciate them. Sure there are those who are no longer here. But I talk to them too. I light a candle for them and spend a few moments in meditation to send out my love and appreciation to my ancestors who have moved on. Really things could be a lot worse, but they’re not.

So pull the stick from yer arse! Raise a glass to those here and gone. Hug and kiss who you can. Tomorrow is a new day.

Remember that if you’re reading this, I love you too.

Have an amazing day.

S.O.

Apocalypse and the RV park

For the second time I was at the northern rv camp and storage. On the same bus as last time. The bus is like an old tour bus but 3 times the size, with small med bays divided by curtains for the sleeping quarters. It must have been a medical unit for military services. This a time we had 2 young boys and 2 women with us. We were visiting another newfound relation of mine. He was retired Air Force. Trying to understand our connection. Along the way we had to fight some imperial troops. I say imperial troops because they looked like they were out of a Star Wars movie. They had posts outside the town. Keeping their presence known. It was another word/dimension . Similar things and ideals, but a very oppressive state. It was in what would be Utah here. There it was called Carlo. I was amazed at how so much was similar. Currency format, transportation, services , etc.

The people traveling with us were refugees who we were helping get to a sanctuary. they women were nervous and trying to help as much as they could. They were very tired and obviously still sad for whatever their reasons for seeking sanctuary. The boys were nervous and hid a lot. One was constantly in the toilet. The camp we stopped at was very helpful. They were a frequent stop for groups like us. The world while its advanced technologies were great, its people and politics were extremely varied. All the middle of the road type of people we have here didn’t exist there. It was very odd feeling. However after the collapse of the previous government and the clearly divided people, at least there was a clearer picture of what needed to be done.

Who left the door unlocked?

Being sick is no fun. In no way does anyone ever say “this flu was such a wonderful experience.” It wears you down physically and emotionally. It’s especially hard for those who have to be guarded all the time. Not like inmates, but someone who needs to be vigilant all the time. That’s what it was like with me recently. It left me “carjacked” and I have no idea what was done or said.

Being someone who deals with other energy is hard. You always feel the need to be guarded. Shielding against emotional assault from others is something that is very important for empaths. Being a medium with that is even more work. It’s making sure you protect yourself but others as well. Last week after a long feverish day, I lost a stretch of time. When I get sick and tired I tend to still be cognizant of what’s going on around me. A was up from 1 am the previous night with a fever that stayed between 101 and 103 Fahrenheit until around 5pm. I remember it being around 6 pm and being bored so I grabbed my guitar. I started playing some dropkick Murphy’s songs. I felt strange and all of a sudden it’s 4 am and I’m waking up in my bed. I’m strapped into my CPAP machine and undressed under the comforter. I was beyond confused. I felt like I was hungover but I don’t recall having a drink. I wouldn’t have been drinking being as ill as I was. No more that a shot of whiskey to take an edge off to go to sleep. There’s no way I got blackout drunk, but it felt like I did.

I was dreaming of a past that was long gone by. In a fishing village off the sea. A bitter cold damp evening. Feeling loss of a child. That dream rang through my mind for a few days after. It triggered an emotional collapse I haven’t felt in a long time.

Later I got a message that appeared to be a reply to a group text, but the previous parts of the text were gone. It made me wonder what had I been up to? Was it me? I don’t believe it was. I’m certain that I was taken over for a short time by some spirit that was not mine. Someone who was looking for answers or some kind of order to their condition. Nobody seemed to notice I was not here. I have no idea what was said or done. It’s a scary feeling when you realize you’re not in control. I don’t want to worry friends to ask what I may or may not have said. Sure they may understand channeling a spirit, but would probably be concerned about the loss of memory or control. It’s already hard to try to explain why I don’t do large gatherings on magical events like drum circles etc. I sometimes channel things that don’t have limits or understanding of this forms rules. Sometimes it’s not a human spirit. I sometimes doubt it’s even terrestrial.

After a few days had gone by, I started feeling more myself. Whoever was using me as an air bnb left a residual feeling that had me feeling cold and wet for days. Soon I was back to my regular agitation and frustrated ball of boredom. I know going out for a walk in the woods would have brought me more comfort, but with being sick, the cold air does a number to my lungs. No idea if it is COVID but it’s had me coughing and unable to get a breath. So I stay in bed, drink my tea and rest. Hopefully nobody else decide to take a joy ride. I’ve taken precautions and set up some wards to help.

Broken glass

Today I screamed at the sky. I poured myself out on the field of dead grass. My heart bled for so many losses. It’s more than one can bare. I swear I could cut out my heart and leave it there on the ground. It serves no purpose but to ache anymore. My eyes burn from all the tears I’ve shed. I try to sing and all I do is vomit decades of pain and resentment. Cursed for missed opportunities and chances not taken. My legs can’t hold me any longer. My back broke and frozen. All I want is 5 minutes to feel nothing more. While this gift is supposed to bring light, today it’s just the dark. Take it from me. Let someone else carry this burden for a while. I’m just going to lay here for a while and try to sleep.

Broken glass

Today I screamed at the sky. I poured myself out on the field of dead grass. My heart bled for so many losses. It’s more than one can bare. I swear I could cut out my heart and leave it there on the ground. It serves no purpose but to ache anymore. My eyes burn from all the tears I’ve shed. I try to sing and all I do is vomit decades of pain and resentment. Cursed for missed opportunities and chances not taken. My legs can’t hold me any longer. My back broke and frozen. All I want is 5 minutes to feel nothing more. While this gift is supposed to bring light, today it’s just the dark. Take it from me. Let someone else carry this burden for a while. I’m just going to lay here for a while and try to sleep.