So for those who are just stumbling onto my posts, I want to give some background information. I have had a lot of health issues in my life. I was diagnosed with mixed connective tissue disease. This autoimmune disease is a combination of a few different things that I treat with medications and lifestyle changes. I go through long rough stretches when I flare up. I can also have a good stretch too. I started getting into a good stretch January this year, but then by midsummer I started flaring again. I have not had a break since. The pattern seems to be the same. After winter solstice, I return to a better state and heal. Then summer solstice comes and I start to decline. Each year the toll gets harder, but I try to deal with it as well as I can. I know I recently opened up to everyone about my spirituality and my abilities to see things from a different place. This always makes people think that a disease has taken a part of my brain functioning. Like I’m brain damaged, or the medication must be making me crazy, but I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I spent my whole life being told I was over dramatic, or out of touch. I get frustrated and start thinking I’m crazy, but when I live my way, and do what I believe is right, I heal.
It’s hard to come out as someone or something other than what is perceived as normal. It’s a fight for your own identity. I realized though, you can’t expect others to understand or accept what you don’t understand yourself.
I have spent years learning, searching for answers. I still learn something everyday. The thing that learned the way for my growth though,was accepting that I am who I am. I am a human being living life with a strong connection to the natural world as well as a different dimensional plane. I spent a lot of times self medicating and avoiding what would trigger my fear and anxiety. It caused a few too many brushes with death. Unknowingly I was instead cementing myself as a conduit. This has made me the “grumpy old man.” The guy who is short tempered even on his good days, because I’m having a good day and don’t want to deal with your shit. On the bad days, of course I’m miserable, but during those times I tend to take on more. Mainly because I want the distraction. Recently I learned that I can’t do that. That is when I need to focus only on me. So I try my best to meditate, heal, and take time for me. The problem is I get a lot of other energy thrown at me. Animals, always vying for my attention. Spirits coming to share their story. Astral vibrations that sometimes put my ground wires on the fritz. It’s difficult to balance it all, but I’m still working on it.
I’m starting to try doing crafts. A way to create things and get out of my head. While that’s always a good outlet, I’m not particularly good at anything yet. I try spending time with friends, but even the ones who say they understand still don’t fully get it. So I get labeled as unsociable or whatever, but sometimes it’s just easier to stay home.
Now if you excuse me I have a raven tapping on my window and a cat trying to get me to pet him, because he thinks this is a waste of time and my time would suit me better if I rubbed his belly.