The Thaw

It’s been a little crazy for me the past few months. I’ve been dealing with other people’s problems while trying to make progress with my own issues. I can’t stress enough how much one toxic person can make your life very difficult. Even though we sent them out of our home in September, we still had her in our lives daily. We were trying hard to keep her daughter safe, but now she’s back to that same environment and it’s no longer in our hands. I hold space for the child still but I no longer hold space for the adults in that relationship. I mean they’re 50 and 44. They should have grown up by now. I’ve asked the universe and the spirits to help guide the child through rough waters and comfort her when she’s weary. We have reclaimed our home and I will be doing a major cleansing this week to get the last of the bad energy out.

The holidays were very good. I got to share food, drink , and merriment with my community. I got to see my mother for the first time in 10 years. It was hard to have the visit, because we both have gotten older, and know the time together is more precious and few. While my mother is still the same battle axe she always was, I saw a new side of her. She got to spend time with our kids for the first time. She was sweet to them. She reminded she was a little reserved, but it was her first visit. It’s hard because our relationship has been strong, but tough as well. She, as most mothers, installed my triggers. There were only a few times though that those triggers were pulled in the visit, but I am a different person now. I recognize the queue, and take the time to not let it get me fired up. What I was unable to do was keep those triggers pulled by the unexpected people. I lost my cool in a Best Buy. I purchased a new blue tooth stereo for our oldest daughters car. It was to be installed by them as well. I showed up with receipt in hand and they refused to give me the merchandise. This was after I showed up to find the installer was half in the bag and the bay smelled like a brewery. The manager asked me to leave before he called the police. I told him to call the police. I had a receipt for goods purchased, and he wasn’t releasing said goods. I stormed back to the bay to find it locked. I knocked and no answer. I thought the installer was around the corner drinking more so I knocked harder on the door and broke the window. I couldn’t believe it. It was the reinforced glass that’s not supposed to break like that. The guy was in the bathroom and when I got inside I found he had already pulled the dash all apart. So now I’m just wanting to get out, but I have to wait for the guy to put it back together. I would not let him drive the car out of the bay because he had clearly been drinking. I left and was so out of sorts and worked up I spent a few days in bed from the stress. Now they want me to pay for the window and I still don’t have the stereo or installation I already paid for. So while I did very well keeping my cool while I was with mom, I had a very bad blow up in public.

The other stressor that came up is this ordeal in Iran. Our son is in the navy, and our president is starting wars. I don’t care what his supporters say, I have met the man and he is a first class piece of shit. That was long before his presidency. Now our boy was unable to be home for holidays. You expect that there will be times your military members will miss out, but in no way is it easy to accept. Especially when the president is launching air strikes and starting a war. You worry. Not knowing when you will see your child again or by the gods ever see them again. You just hold hope for your reunion and ask for their safe return.

There’s more to deal with as our old jack Russell terrier is almost 20! He’s not in pain, but he’s having the issues you expect from a 20 year old dog. I’m always with him. Cleaning after him, and comfortable. It’s not something you would find difficult, but it wears you down. I would never put a dog down because they’re causing an inconvenience. they are as much family as our own children.

Needless to say I’m tired. I’ve been tired. I feel tired and weak. Like a beat that missed hibernation. Very little time to rest however; because life still goes on. We still go on. I am not complaining. I live a fortunate life. I am blessed and loved. I have no needs keeping me from happiness.

I am, as always grateful for my life, and will continue to be better.

Published by Snowy Owl

There was a lot more written here before. Then I saw it was irrelevant. I am just another person with an autoimmune disease and spectrum ”disorder” who is highly sensitive to their environment. I thought I would write a few things down, so here you go. Swim at your own risk!

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