More and more I see things that I shouldn’t. It never makes things easier to handle. When you suffer from crippling anxiety attacks, it paints you into a corner of fear. In trying to lessen the pain you try looking for a place to hide. You hide in a dark corner, scared and paralyzed. The beast whispers from the dark, feeding the fear more. How do you find peace when you don’t know you have it already?
First thing is to realize the fear is nothing. It’s something you create in your mind. It’s a shadow of our doubts and insecurities. So face them with your eyes open. Really look at them. Instead of running from them, embrace them with love and understanding. They are parts of you. They have been manipulated to appear as monsters by either past traumas, or just fearing the unknown.
I have bad attacks all the time, but less and less I’m needing medication to handle them. Don’t get me wrong, I still have ones that require medication to calm me. What I started trying to look at what it was that was triggering the attack. Understand why it causes such an insecure fear and helplessness in my mind. Then I realize that’s it. It’s insecurity in my mind. For me it’s a fear of not accomplishing anything in my life. A fear of the great things in my life being over just as I feel I found them. Fear of my passing young because of the physical health issues, and there’s my wife and children having to go through stuff without me to help.
Today I tried to take care of myself. I was faced with opposition from an outside person. Their hostile action and words, triggered the beast in me. I wanted to lash out. I may be broken physically, but I can still do a lot of damage if I give into that feeling. Instead I met their angry words with “have a beautiful day!” I left. I came home. The beast settled, but that fear of not being able to care for myself took hold. It brought physical and emotional pain. Self doubt and feelings of inadequacy spun me back to the anxiety. I start to ask if it’s worth it? what if I just check out early? You know that doesn’t help, but it seems pleasant enough. No more pain. No more anger. No more fear. The thing is I’ve seen the devastation it leaves. It just passes all of it on to those who love you to deal with. So now what? The only freedom you feel you have is not real either. So look within maybe? In all the meditation I do, I end up seeing things. I hear things. Again I question my sanity, but some are memories of my own, but also things I have never seen before. Ghosts and echos shine through. Is this what I have left? The thoughts of my own darkness mixed with images not of my own creation. Stuck in my cell I created for myself, I feel alone even though I’m surrounded by loved ones.
Fear is irrational. I tell myself this every day. I wake up, and say it will be a good day. Others may throw a stone, but really it’s up to me if I allow it to chink my armour. So I continue my ritual of affirmation. The cycle has to stop somehow. I’ll take it on. I will venture deep into that shadow in me, and instead of slaying the beast, let me learn to ride it. Let me use it as I search in the vastness of the universe in me, and ride it like a dragon through the shadows and find myself again. Look again and find that the weakness perceived is actually strength of enduring. Stand up and dust it off. Bolster it with love and support. Open my closed eyes and see the beauty in that darkness. Then when my footing again I can walk with those who come looking for the owl to help them find their way through the dark.