Dirty money blues

Dream: Forced to return to my childhood home, I’m already feeling disappointed in my situation. Trying to settle in to get a nights rest, I feel deeply unsettled. Suddenly my mother bursts into my room accusing me of stealing. She’s yelling and throwing my stuff around. She takes my wallet that was sitting on top of my duffle bag. She pulls all my cash out of it and throws it on the floor. She stands over it and urinates on the pile of money. Disgusted and angry, I grab my bag and take my wallet from her hands. I yell at her that I never stole anything and I’m done with the abuse every time I come home. I tell her I will never come back and that she is no longer a part of my life. I walk out the door. Vowing to be completely cut from any ties to my family.

Waking: Looking at this dream this morning, I was confused by it. What was it I was it I was to take away from this? The false accusations of wrong doing by family? The disrespect and soiling of all my hard efforts and it’s pay? The walking away and disowning of my family? I’m not sure, but I seem to be feeling like I’m being forced into making a decision I don’t want to make. Forced to accept losing all my past. Maybe I need to let go and move on, but from what? Clearly it’s something from my past and my family.

Thoughts: Letting go of the past trauma that has shaped me to my current state is hard to do. It runs deep into your deepest corners of your mind. The journey to reach the trauma that deep, isn’t something that happens overnight. It takes acceptance, perspective, and time. It may never go away, leaving a scar on your soul. This now gives you a choice. You can either let it define you and hold you back, or wear it as a badge of honour. Remind yourself that you survived the trauma and are not letting it hold you prisoner any longer. You do that by letting go of the hate and fear it caused and filling that space with love and determination. Like a scar being covered by a beautiful tattoo. It’s still there, but now when you look at it all you see is something you love and brings strength to your heart.

S.O.

Published by Snowy Owl

There was a lot more written here before. Then I saw it was irrelevant. I am just another person with an autoimmune disease and spectrum ”disorder” who is highly sensitive to their environment. I thought I would write a few things down, so here you go. Swim at your own risk!

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